4 years? Whoops.

Let's not even pretend that I'm going to do a good job keeping up. I'll probably never do a good job keeping up. This blog is just another item on a long list of things that I'd like to do regularly but just don't seem to have the time or motivation for (like exercising daily, taking pictures, catching up with old friends, etc.). So much has changed since 2012 that it almost makes my head spin. We bought our first house (and we LOVE it!). I completed four egg donations. We celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary, and Big C turned 30. I started a new job in 2012 and changed career paths altogether in 2015. The boys started preschool in 2015 and will be starting kindergarten this fall. Oh, and I'm 23 weeks pregnant with another bouncing baby boy due June 17!

It makes me tired just thinking about how far behind I am on chronicling our lives. I initially intended for this to be a great way to "journal" everything that happens to us, but with my job change in 2012 also came greatly decreased access to uninterrupted time at a computer (more about that later).

I'll do my best to hit the high points, and I'm sure I'll fall behind again in about 16 weeks (if not before then), but at least I'm making the effort. This is what my real life looks like - the constant trying, succeeding, failing, and trying again. I've never painted a too-good-to-be-true picture of our lives in what I write or what I present in general. I have a lot of reasons for this, but mostly it's because if my kids ever want to look back and read anything I've written, I want them to have a realistic glimpse of what our life looked like. Sometimes it was wonderful, and sometimes it sucked. I've always had some irritation toward people who only show the best side of life because let's be honest here - nobody on this planet has a life that is all glitter and roses. It just doesn't exist, but you can skim any social media site and quickly find several people who make it seem like their existence is nothing but joy and wonder. I feel like trying to pretend that everything is sunshine and rainbows just leads to unrealistic expectations and frustration. I'm not interested in presenting a ridiculous façade of having a perfect life. For starters, I'm too tired to pretend or sugar coat the reality, and even if I had the energy or the time, I still wouldn't want to.

I am, however, interested in being honest and up front about what our life looks like. Is it amazing? Yes. Is it wonderful? Yes. Is it perfect? Absolutely not. I yell at my kids. I constantly question my ability to be a good mother and wonder just how badly I'm screwing them up on a regular basis. I get irritated and sometimes pick fights with my husband. We have student loans, cars, and a credit card that we are working to pay off. My family deals with a lot of personal issues that, while they aren't mine to share, definitely have an impact on my stress level and often cause rifts in some of my personal relationships. Just last night, after a week of little things that typically wouldn't phase me, but because I'm pregnant, tired, and emotional, I broke down crying in the car over something ridiculous and stupid. I fight battles of wills with the tiny humans every. single. day. and it wears on my patience and my nerves. 

But we also laugh a lot every single day. We paint trains and go to the trampoline park. We talk. We snuggle, watch movies, and read books. We take vacations as a family and as a couple. We hug and kiss, and we love so fiercely that sometimes it's overwhelming. Is it a perfect life? Not by societal standards. Is it so much more than I ever earned, deserved, or believed I would have? 1,000 times YES.

Internet Friends?

I admittedly am a terrible friend. I'm possibly the world's worst friend, actually. That being said, it should come as no surprise that I have very few true friends. I have a ton of acquaintances, any of which could develop into wonderful friendships given the appropriate time and effort; however, I'm selfish and hoard the majority of my time for my family. I'm busy and often tired and given the chance to see a friend or spend time with my husband and children, I will almost always choose the later. Let's be clear, it isn't that I don't enjoy spending time with friends - I very, very much do - but I can't seem to get enough of those cute baby laughs. I'm addicted and can rarely turn down an opportunity to spend more time with my family. I guess this is a problem because lately Big C and I seldom have coinciding days off work leaving me with few options when I do find myself with some extra time and the desire for some adult conversation (or commiserating, depends on the day!). What is the answer to a problem I didn't even realize I had? The Bump MoMs. 


Since becoming pregnant with the boys (about 100 years ago), I've become part of a group of women with one common thread - we all have multiples. Twins, triplets, quads, adopted, spontaneous, whatever. We've all got at least one set of twins or higher order multiples. And let me tell you, in my experience, nothing creates a bond between friends faster than this particular shared lifestyle. You can't really understand the worry, stress, and joy of multiples unless you've got a set yourself. 

I stumbled onto The Bump while I was pregnant and then discovered the Multiples forum while on bedrest. The posts on this forum range from "I'm having TWINS!! SQUEEEEE!!!" to "Recommend your stroller" to "How do I get them to nap at the same time?!" and everything in between. Before my babies were born, I thought "well, I'll just figure it out as we go. Can't be that hard." HA. It was. I'm not sure what we would've done without the advice from some of the ladies I've friended from that board. They talked me down when I was near panic at the thought of 30 week preemies, and practically held my hand when I was terrified about my first outing alone with the babies. They convinced me that we really were going to live through the days of two hour feedings around-the-clock, and they were right. It's incredible how close of a friendship you can develop with someone whom you've never physically met. Meeting people can be so overrated ;)


I always thought it so strange to be friends with someone you didn't "know," but now I understand that "knowing" someone isn't the same as "seeing" someone. I see lots of people day-to-day, but I know very few of them. After being friends with the MoMs (Moms of Multiples) for so long, I've learned that I know several of them better than I know most people I've ever met in-real-life. I've shared things with them that most people don't (and will never) know about me, and I'm sure they have as well. We've come together when others were in times of need and offered support however we could. The wealth of knowledge in the group spans from the expertise of stay-at-home moms to teachers to special-effects makeup artists (ok, so there's only one of those, but you get the idea). I love the diversity of opinions and ideas the group can generate, and I'm so grateful for the times they've been there when I needed them. I'm proud to call them my friends. 

ONE

It's official. They're one year old. WOW. Let me just say - it's been the most challenging, rewarding year of my life so far (and that includes the year I moved, got engaged, graduated college, started a new job, moved again, and got married). I'm going to do a little different post this time around, because well, today is really all about them. 

L & Little C,

I can't believe you're already one year old. It's incredible to think that this time last year we met you for the first time after what felt like a lifetime of waiting to see your beautiful face. You tried to make your grand entrance more than once before the big day finally arrived, and I'm just grateful that you waited as long as you did. I can't imagine how different the last year would've been if you had been born at 27 weeks instead of 35. 

Little C - Even after stalling delivery for 8 weeks after contractions started, you were still born with trouble breathing. You also had the cord wrapped around your neck, and your face and extremities were blue. They held you by my face for about 5 seconds before you were swept off to the NICU. 

6lb 4oz 17.5" 7/14/11 9:54pm 

Granted, our NICU experience was as smooth as could be expected and there are hundreds of preemie families who aren't nearly as lucky as we were. However, let's be clear - just because it wasn't as bad as it could've been doesn't change the fact that it was still far from easy. Your dad and I were worried to death because your doctors weren't sure if your dyspnea was a routine problem or if you had a serious disease. It was terrifying. I'll never forget the first time I held you in my arms. There were tubes and wires all over the place and you couldn't be out of the warmer for very long, but it was still one of the most exciting, gratifying 5 minutes of my life. You never opened your eyes, but you snuggled your head into my chest and sighed the most content sound in the world. I was smitten.

We were addicted to you immediately. 

Your dad got to hold you the next day, and it was such a feeling of complete bliss and peace to have both of our boys together again and finally be united as a family of four. We were in the hospital until Monday, July 18 and were all discharged on the same day. I was so grateful that you did well and we got to leave the hospital as a family. That was a blessing I prayed for long before you were born and have said thanks for many times since. 

 

L - You were our 5lb 8.5oz trooper. You screamed from the minute you came out and stopped only when your dad held you for the first time. 

5lb 8.5oz 17.5" 7/14/11 9:56pm

You were smaller than I'd expected, and I couldn't believe how much you looked like my dad. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to tell a difference between you and your brother, but it was all in vain. You've never resembled each other to me or your dad. I've always thought you looked just like my baby pictures and your Papa Mitch, and your brother has always looked like a tiny version of your dad. Regardless, you were both more beautiful than I ever could've imagined. You got to meet all of your grandparents a few hours after you were born, and I'm sure you can imagine how popular you were with them! 

They couldn't take their eyes off you, and in all fairness, who could blame them?

You were snuggly from the very beginning and loved to lay on my chest and sleep. We sent you to the nursery at night so we could try to rest. Sleep was difficult to come by between routine vital checks and post surgery pain/discomfort, but we thought it would be easier to rest in the hospital than once we took you home (and we were right). Your first few days were pretty uneventful, but you did lose quite a bit of weight and only weighed 4lb 7oz when we went home. You were (and still are) the smallest baby I've ever held. It felt like holding a blanket that had been wadded up because you were always swaddled tightly and were so light that it was difficult to tell that a baby was snuggled inside all that fabric!




The first 36 hours of your lives are mostly a blur for me now, and I'm grateful to have written everything down in my pregnancy/delivery journal and to have so many pictures because I wouldn't be able to recall nearly all of the details of those first few days.


I am so amazed by how much you've both grown and changed in the last year. I'm still not sure how it happened, though, because I've seen you every single day of your lives and never did I think "They look different today." I just can't believe that you grew from such tiny, helpless infants into these independent toddlers right in front of me.

From tiny, swaddled newborns...

...To opinionated, independent toddlers!

Your dad and I have been beyond blessed, and I can't believe we are the lucky two who get to be your parents. We love you so much more than any words can convey, and I now understand why my parents said I would get it when I had kids of my own. Honestly, the only way to understand the magnitude of a love like this is to experience it for yourself. It can't be explained or reasoned or understood. It must be felt first-hand before you can truly appreciate it. One day, a long, long time from now, you'll both know exactly what I mean. 

It's been so much fun to watch you reach milestone after milestone and soak up everything around you like a sponge. You're learning so much every single day, and I hope I'm teaching you well. This has been the most incredible year, and I can't wait (except that I absolutely can - please don't grow up faster than you have to!) to see how different each of you are in another 365 days.



I love you both so, so much,
Mom

The essence of Bittersweet

The word "bittersweet" was invented by a mother. She looked at her children and thought "my babies are growing up." I know this because it happened to me. L keeps taking steps, and Little C has started standing unassisted. It's incredibly sad and so exciting. I've never felt so torn about anything in my life. 

Yesterday, we were playing in the floor and my step-mom said "do you see him??" which prompted me to move so I could. Much to my dismay, I looked and saw L STANDING on the handle of our recliner. STANDING. He held the armrest for leverage and climbed up until he was standing on the handle and his shoulders were even with the armrest. I was stunned. And of course, mother-of-the-year that I am, I grabbed the camera to catch a picture before I got him down. Can't lose moments like that ;)  


On the way home from church this week, the boys were in the middle of an intense jabbering discussion peppered with high-pitched squeals. I was laughing to myself when it became almost silent in the back seat. I turned back to look, and this is what I saw:

Precious doesn't even begin to cover it. I think I actually felt my heart start melting. They rarely have "time" to be sweet and cuddly lately - there are 500 things they would rather do instead. 

When did my sweet, snuggly infants turn into too-busy-to-be-held almost-toddlers??  And why wasn't there more of a transition stage? I swear just last week they still wanted to be held and loved on, and now, it's a wrestling match just to get to kiss them on their sweet little heads. I feel like I've missed so much of their first 10 months even though I've seen them every day since they were born. Maybe I'm just sentimental today, or maybe I'm finally realizing that their first birthday is coming like a freight-train and I'm powerless to slow it down. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is this: I miss my tiny, 5lb infants and the precious baby snuggles so much, but I wouldn't trade what we have now for anything in the world. It's so very sad to know they've already changed so much yet so exciting to watch them grow and learn. Bittersweet in the truest sense of the word. 

That's enough Father Time

Alright, Father Time. You can ease up any day now. We muddled through the difficulties of the I'm-so-tired-I-can't-remember-if-I-ate-lunch-or-not era and are into the I-never-knew-saying-"boo"-could-be-so-funny stage. Let's slow it down just a little so we've got time to enjoy this!

L smiled at me this morning, and I'm sure it took him by surprise when I pried his mouth open to prove to myself that I was seeing things and he didn't actually have two tiny teeth in his little bitty mouth. Wrong. There they were. Bright, shiny, and barely through his sweet little gums right in the front on the bottom. My baby has two teeth. How did this happen??! I wasn't sad when Little C popped his first tooth through because I still had one baby who wasn't growing up quite as fast. Now, there are no more toothless babies in my house (and might never be again, we're undecided), and this is just too sad for words. Don't get me wrong though; I am excited about those tiny little teeth! They're undoubtedly two of the cutest teeth I've ever seen, as expected.  

It's all exciting when the first one reaches milestones because I don't get caught up in the fact that this might be the last "first" we get to have. Take Lucas crawling for example: I am SO excited and proud of that sweet little baby!! And it's easy to be excited because his *older* brother is still happily rolling around my living room and showing no interest in crawling or growing up too fast and breaking his Momma's heart. Now when Little C starts crawling, after the excitement of his newest achievement calms down, I'm sure I will have to mourn the fact that my house will no longer be home to tiny infant babies but busy, busy crawlers instead.

I thought time was flying by when I was in college, but I had no idea. Time is screeching past at an appalling pace these days. I would give anything for a little time in a bottle right now. It would be so nice to go back to those first few days at home with my snuggly little boys for just a few minutes. To hold my teeny 5lb babies and let them fall asleep on my chest one more time. I guess the nostalgia makes me appreciate the moments now even more, but still. I can't believe it's been nearly seven months. Hope the second half of their first year of life goes by just a little more slowly.


P.S...

Happy Super Bowl Sunday from L & Little C!!

Face mask. 15 yard penalty. Automatic first down!!

Baby Ambien

Why is the donut box always so hard to close? Regardless of how careful I am, the cardboard always gets caught on the edge and results in 2-3 attempts before it actually closes correctly. What gives? I mean, seriously, come on. I'm already ashamed; can't we just make this quick and dirty? Do you really have to drag it out and further amplify my guilt for caving to the sweet, sweet temptress that is this delicious pastry? I blame the boys for this. I never had donut-box-lid issues before them. I never even like donuts before the belly critters made me a slave to their every craving. Now I'm hooked. Thanks kids.

On to more important things... C screamed at me for over an hour yesterday. Why you may ask; I still don't know. I finally gave up and we got in the car and went to town (because that's what you do when you've exhausted every plausible option that won't result in a visit from DCFS - go to a public place so strangers can judge you for the fact that you can't calm your own child). We'd been in the car for 1.5 seconds when the screaming stopped. Thank you sweet Lord. Why didn't I do this an hour ago? Sometimes in the blur of the moment, I forget that the carseats are like little baby Ambien. I'm not sure why I EVER forget this. It's one of the most important lessons I've learned so far.

Notice to all expectant parents: Carseats rock. Inconsolable baby? Strap it in and pick the seat up. Most of the time you don't even have to go anywhere. Just trick the screaming banshee into thinking that you're going somewhere, and suddenly they are on their best behavior. Kids learn early on to make their parents look like liars at every given opportunity.

Parent: "I hope he wasn't too bad for you. He cried all morning long at home!"
Babysitter: "Really? He's been wonderful since you dropped him off."

Little assholes. I swear they thrive on a chance to make me sound like I'm just a big whiner. I'm not kidding here folks. You'll learn. And for those of you who already have kids, well, you already get it and didn't think I was joking to begin with.

                                                     I told you. Baby Ambien.