#helpmehelpyou #flattenthecurve

We are nurses. We are rad techs. Respiratory therapists. CNAs. Doctors. PAs. APRNs. Dietary. Environmental services, and on and on. We are the faces of healthcare. We are here when you go into labor, break your arm, or have a heart attack or stroke. We're here when your world is rocked by depression, a car accident, or a natural disaster. We've been here to help you every time you needed us, and other than begging you to get your flu shot, we asked for nothing in return. We don't fold, and we don't back down. We stand up, link arms, and fight with everything we have to get you back to your normal. We knew the risks, and we signed up anyway because you needed us.

But before we became the faces of healthcare, we were sons and daughters. We are mothers and fathers. We are humans, and we have lives. We have people we care about and who care about us. We are loved, and while we signed up for this trip, our friends and family didn't. They have to watch us walk out the door each day and have no control over whether or not we come home, and honestly, we don't have much control, either. We are all at the mercy of COVID-19 and the behavior of the general public. It's a tremendous source of anxiety.

We signed up to help the public - even when the public is too selfish to do something as simple as stay home in order to help themselves (and everyone else). A global pandemic has always been a possibility, and even though we knew that when we chose our professions, nobody really expected it to come to this. We're putting our lives, and potentially the lives of anyone else we come in contact with, on the line every time we care for a COVID-19 patient. 

We want to help you, but we don't want to die because of it. We don't want to watch our loved ones struggle to breathe. We don't want to wonder if we'll be planning a funeral for our parents or our babies because we brought a vicious viral illness home on our scrubs. We are living with anxiety and fear every day because we are the biggest threat to those we love the most. 

Chances are, I'm going to catch it, and if/when that happens, I'll likely pass it to my husband and our littles who are 8, 8, and 3. I haven't slept well in weeks because I can't get that reality out of my head. If I had to guess, I'd say the only reason I'm sleeping at all is because we all fall into the low risk category (which doesn't necessarily mean anything). We will probably be fine, but my grandmother who is 91? Or my father-in-law who has a compromised respiratory system? My dad with asthma? My cousin who just had a heart transplant? I don't know. I know that I'm avoiding anyone I don't live with as much as humanly possible, but other people aren't. Too many people are not taking this seriously, and to say I'm frustrated would be an understatement.

We will continue to come to work every day because you need us now more than ever. We will be here because, quite simply, this is what we do. We have never asked for much in return for our service, but now, we are. Actually, we aren't asking - we're pleading. Desperately. PLEASE don't ask our families and friends to sacrifice us or themselves because you didn't want to sacrifice your social calendar. Stay home. Cancel that birthday party, girls night, or small group gathering. Help us flatten the curve, so we can help more people survive - my family (and yours) included. 

Quarantine Week 1

As a healthcare professional, a pandemic or major healthcare event is always floating around somewhere in the back of my mind. A faint imagination of "what if..." or "hypothetically..." while watching Contagion or Outbreak and entertaining the possibility of it actually happening for 5 seconds before dismissing it altogether. In a matter of days, the "hypothetical" has become a reality. Our disorienting, unsettling, full-of-unknowns reality. 

Businesses are closing indefinitely. "Social distancing" is trending on all social media platforms despite the fact that (it seems) a lot of people have no idea what it actually means. With unexplained reason, grocery stores and supermarkets are selling out of toilet paper faster than stockers can fill the shelves. Lysol and hand sanitizer are nowhere to be found. Concerts, sporting events, church services, and virtually all gatherings of 10+ have been cancelled. My kids are home from school for at least a month and likely until August. My personal life looks completely different than it did a short week ago. It has basically come to a screeching halt, but all of the changes are manageable. We're doing ok.

My professional life is a different story. It will not be grinding to a stop anytime soon. That part of my world is still spinning, and I'm not so sure it isn't about to spin completely out of control. We are in unchartered waters. Standard PPE is becoming scarce. Masks, appropriate respirators, and basic cleaning supplies are on backorder from suppliers across the country. We are standing on the frontline of this fight, and we're about to be doing it while completely exposed. I've heard praises all week from every direction hailing us as "heroes" and declaring newfound love and respect for everyone in the medical field (and all other service industries, really). To say the least, it's humbling, but if we're getting brutally honest, I don't deserve it. I am not the brave, heroic nurse that the public has put on a pedestal. 

I feel ashamed for not being brave. I feel afraid. And like I should quit, but we all know I won't. I feel like a coward for letting the thought of abandoning my career even cross my mind. I feel like a horrible wife, mother, and friend for putting the people I love most in a position where they are not truly safe if they share my airspace. I feel selfish for choosing a career that is now putting the people I value most in danger. I feel so anxious that sometimes it's hard to take a breath. I feel frustrated that people are not taking this entire situation seriously, and I feel angry when I think about how cavalier and selfish many have been when it comes to helping prevent the spread of disease.

I need people to understand the importance of practicing true "social distancing." Please only leave your house if it is an emergency (and not the "I've had this bump on my arm for 2 months, but I want it checked now, so I called an ambulance" kind of emergency. An ACTUAL emergency - the kind where life or limb is being threatened). Grocery shop no more than once every 2 weeks if at all possible. Skip the gym, movies, dental cleaning, whatever else. COVID 19 is going to spread no matter what we do, but if we can slow it down, we will be able to save more of those who will become critically ill. 

This week, I've brought out all the stress and anxiety relievers I've ever used before. I'm exercising, having a drink by the fire, watching mindless TV, dancing it out, and on and on. Most importantly, I've spent a lot more time than usual in prayer. Why does it take a valley to get me back where I should have been the whole time? And when will I ever learn that all the stress reliever techniques in the world will never work as well as my Jesus? Why did I make prayer a last resort instead of my automatic Plan A? Earlier this week, it crossed my mind that maybe, just maybe, the spinning isn't out of control, after all. Maybe the gravity of it is simply pulling me back to where I should have been all along.